Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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