I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
