he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
