i used baking grease as lip gloss
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
