so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
