why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
