im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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