theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
