Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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