one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
