I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
