its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
