Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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