well I can't set my house on fire every night
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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