k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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