My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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