he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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