when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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