Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
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