Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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