Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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