Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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