So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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