my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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