I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
