1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
