ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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