You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
