someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
