I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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