Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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