just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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