How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
