i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
