i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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