i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
