The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
