hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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