Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
