i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
