i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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