Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
