i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
