direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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