It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
