Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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