i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
