Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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