Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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