morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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