At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
