Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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